i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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