You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
There are leaves in my underwear?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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