I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
