don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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