I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
