i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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