If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
