Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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