I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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