Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
