i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
