Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
