I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
bring money and cleavage
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
