I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
