pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
