how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
