dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
