Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
