Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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