Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
