Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
