Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
