My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
