The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
