my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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