This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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