And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
