My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
