i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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