she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
