I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She announced her abortion via fbk
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
