I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
