Pappa wants mamma naked
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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