I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
