it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
