The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
