his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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