everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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