he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
