I just threw up on my dentist
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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