I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
