I think i peed on brittanys purse
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
