if i can run in heels then i can drive
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
