How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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