Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
