I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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