Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
