3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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