no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
