I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
