Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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